I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
