mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ketchup is God's man juice
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
