I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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