The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
