He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
