Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
