dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
