I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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