I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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