Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
