we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
