I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
