look no pants
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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