I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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