There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Holy sore nipples Batman
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
