My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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