She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
