I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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