Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
