Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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