my being single is dangerous.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
