just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
