my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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