Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
