walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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