I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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