Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
