please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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