I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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