So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
