I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
