U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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