Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
