Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
