I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
