I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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