I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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