I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
