i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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