He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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