I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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