someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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