mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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