There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
