U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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