You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
