I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
