Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
