i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
