I can tuck mytits in my pants
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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