i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
