Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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