You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
