In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
