Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't deserve a penis
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion