tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.