I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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