You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
