so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
