I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
