You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
